Once Again

I am a torrent of emotions right now. I feel anxious, sad, terrified, hopeful…all at once. Mostly, though, I am disappointed in myself. Disappointed that I couldn’t do it by myself, that I have once again gotten to a place where I need other people’s guidance. And than there is still that part of me that whispers It’s not that bad, it’s really not. You are not sick enough, you will never be sick enough, stop making such a fuss!

Oh yes, my eating disorder. The number can never be low enough to justify getting help, never low enough to finally recover.

And yet, even as I recognize that truth, part of me still wonders. Am I sick enough this time? I haven’t reached the same dark place I was at before so why I am seeking treatment again? Shouldn’t I be able to recover by myself this time?

Is it all pointless, a vicious cycle of treatment-sickness-wellness-treatment?

And still, a part of me desperately hopes that it’s not pointless. That recovery, while not perfect, is possible.

Because dear God, it may not be as bad as last time, but living with any eating disorder is a living hell.

So, I go to treatment tomorrow. Trying to keep an open heart and mind. Trying to shut off the eating disorder voice that has steadily gotten louder.

Staying cautiously optimistic.

Food for Thought · Uncategorized

Change Starts With You (or, my deep thoughts on change)

So today, I felt like coming on here and writing so here I am. I have decided to make this little blog of mine (which has been long neglected) a sort of online journal where I document my hopes, dreams, frustrations, and revelations. For me, that is what blogging is about. Sharing ideas and thoughts without thinking about the number of likes or followers your post may generate.

Today I will be sharing my revelation of the day which is simply this: Be the change you want to see. And also, along those same lines, any change that you want to make in your life begins with a thought but does not end with a thought. 

Wow, I just went deep there. And yes, I do realize that these thoughts or concepts are not new or different. They have been around for quite some time (probably since the beginning of time) but thinking about how these things apply to my life in particular is a bit difficult.

Image result for be the change you wish to see in the world quote

Like, yeah, okay, I’ll be the change I want to see, blah blah blah. And change takes action, not just a thought or idea.

What does that even mean???

For me, personally, it means taking ownership of my recovery and life in general and living according to my standards. Not society’s standards or my ED’s standards or what have you. If I don’t believe in diet culture and the message that “thin is better”, etc than I have to choose to be the change I want to see.

That means not dieting, body checking, engaging in disordered behaviors, or obsessing over my weight. If I honestly believe that as a culture, our mindset needs to change around those things, I have to work on changing my mindset first.

And the second revelation: Change starts with a thought but does not end with a thought.

Or as Tom Ziglar put it…

Image result for change starts with a thought

Again, when it comes to recovery and trying to be more loving towards myself, I have to take active steps to reach my goals. I can sit here all day long and preach about how great body positivity is and how wonderful eating intuitively (or slowly working towards that) is but if I’m engaging in actions that directly contradict that message, than it doesn’t even matter. Words and thoughts are great but you have to translate those things into actions as well.


That is my little rant for the day. My “food for thought” if you will that I will now try my best to put into action.






Hello (Again)

Hi blogging world.


It’s been a while. I seriously don’t even remember the last time I posted. So please excuse me if this post is even more rambly and all over the place than usual. My writing muscles are little rusty from lack of use (unless you count writing out Algebra problems which I don’t!)

I have been putting off writing again mostly because I didn’t know what to say. For that matter, I STILL don’t know what to say. It’s like meeting an old friend you haven’t seen in years. At first you have no clue what the say (other than the obligatory, “How ya doing?”)

And there’s the perfectionist in me who says I have to change my whole blog, fix the color scheme, and add more stuff before I can write a post.

But here I am, finally writing. And rambling just as expected 😉


So although this post is boring and just BLAH, it feels so good to come back into the blogging world. I have so many topics I want to write about and events I want to discuss and books I want to review. If my mind was your email inbox, it would be full.


I’ll be back tomorrow (or perhaps the next day…) with a long post and hopefully an updated about page and blog format. But for now, I’ll leave you with a random, adorable picture of my baby (I mean dog) Jasper. You’re welcome.




Food for Thought · Uncategorized

Letting Life Just Happen

To some degree, going with the flow is a good thing. Not flipping out about the little things that don’t go exactly your way is…a very valuable life skill. You asked for no mayonnaise on your cheeseburger and mayo appeared anyway? Go with the flow (this is coming from someone who works in the food service industry).

But letting life pass you by, not making purposeful decisions, or making no real decisions at all…not such a good thing. There is a time and a place for everything and it’s the same with the whole “go with the flow” mentality.

I have a confession to make: I have been letting life just happen to me. I have filled up my days with school, work, babysitting, with no real plan or purpose. I have no idea why I am doing what I am doing and all goals have been forgotten. And things that I don’t want to deal with (recovery, difficult relationships) I put off until tomorrow. And tomorrow comes and I tell myself, “Starting tomorrow…” Yeah, you can already see where that is going. I never deal with any of the things I need to face.

Image result for a purposeful life quotes

I feel like so many people get stuck in this cycle. They go to work to pay the bills, they go to school to earn the diploma/degree (even if they aren’t really passionate about it), they go home, sleep, eat. They wake up and the cycle repeats. They are on autopilot, never really considering what they want out of life or what their purpose is. And problems? They exist but they are never dealt with.

And you know what? I don’t want that to happen. Working, going to school, and what have you are not bad things. But when we do them just to pay the bills or earn that degree that we feel we have to earn…those are not good reasons. We, as humans and individuals, have a greater purpose.

To find out that purpose, we need to stop going on autopilot and purposefully take time to sit down and evaluate our goals, beliefs, and day to day life.

If we don’t know what our goals and beliefs are, how can we know whether or not our actions are lining up with those? We can’t resolve problems (whether they be with relationships or self-care or a job) if we don’t realize they exist. So it makes sense that we would go on autopilot, that we would become stuck on go-with-the-flow mode. We start to think, “This is life. This is just is how things are.”

But guess what?

That’s not how things have to be. We can make a choice to make purposeful decisions. To not go with the flow. To actually live.

So here’s a remainder (for me as well as for you) to stop letting life just happen to you. Take time to figure out what you want and what you believe. By this I don’t only mean figuring out your long-term plans (although that’s great). I am also talking about making purposeful decisions and taking purposeful actions.

Make a commitment at the start of the day to positively impact someone’s day. And once you figure out what you want (even out of a single day) you will see what things in your life are conflicting with that goal. Maybe there’s a toxic relationship in your life that makes it extremely difficult to make a positive impact on anyone because it weighs you down so much. Once you realize what’s holding you back, you can take steps to either remove it from your life or make it a positive instead of a negative.

So whether it’s a daily commitment or a long time goal…be purposeful.

Don’t just go with the flow (except when you get the wrong order. Please don’t throw any hamburgers).


(If this post made no sense, I am sorry. I wrote it as I thought it and my thoughts are rarely (never) organized).







Mental Health · Uncategorized

The One With the Therapist (…sort of)

I have been to many therapists. Okay, maybe “many” is too strong a word. But I have been to more than most people and I have come away with quite a few interesting, if not always enlightening, experiences. However, I would have to say that the one I had today (technically yesterday…it is currently midnight)… Continue reading The One With the Therapist (…sort of)

The Introduction · Uncategorized

The Blog Where I Figure Shit Out

…Or, more accurately, rant about stuff that I can’t figure out (like Algebra, boys, sisters, poverty, eating disorders, annoying customers…life). To put it simply, this blog is going to be about my life, no filter. It’s going to be about topics that I’m passionate about and about things that I’m just starting to explore. It’s… Continue reading The Blog Where I Figure Shit Out